I heard someone say that forgiveness is a journey, not a destination. This put so much in perspective for me. When people ask me if I forgive Adam for everything he has put us through, I feel like I should be able to say yes since I am still with him. But the truth is, there are moments when I look at him, and I don’t forgive him; it all comes spilling back and it’s so overwhelming that I almost can’t cope. But there are more moments when I know I’m right where I should be, and I know that we will be ok.
We are working hard consistently to keep doing better and heading in the same direction, together. I truly think we are better as a team than apart. But I don’t think in order to be with one another there needs to be this ultimate release of everything that has happened in the past. It’s part of our story, just like the good times.
I need to stop thinking of forgiveness as a finish line that needs to be crossed. I don’t think in order to proceed ahead I need to completely put the past behind me.
It’s the hardships that we’ve been through that keep us both wanting to do better, and make us appreciate the present when it’s better than the past, and will make us hope for a future that looks different and fresh from where we’ve been. I think we’re constantly forgiving one another and ourselves over and over.
There will never, in my opinion, be ultimate forgiveness because we will be human until the day we are no longer here, and that means more mistakes and misturns.
I’ve often felt this guilt for harboring some resentment. What’s the official time period for being allowed to hold on to something that’s happened to you? I know, we shouldn’t be constantly scolded for what we’ve done in the past, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be allowed to think about it, right?
Sometimes I just want to feel whatever I want without there being a right way, a correct amount, and a psychological or spiritual system attached to it. So, I’m not putting a timer on forgiveness. I’ll keep traveling at my own pace for as long as I need. Along the way, I’ll have setbacks, all while working towards feeling more peace, acceptance and growth.
*Danielle’s story is shared with permission. The Evolving Nest encourages you to check out Danielle and Adam every week on their podcast, Marriage and Martinis.
Danielle Silverstein is the co-founder of the Marriage and Martinis podcast and community with her husband, Adam. The Marriage and Martinis podcast is an attempt to present a real, authentic marriage at its core: the love, hate, teamwork, struggles, laughter, humiliation, and ever-changing dynamics that comprise spousal relationships. Join Danielle and Adam as they explore every hilarious, heartfelt, shocking, embarrassing, and completely inappropriate facet of marriage and parenting. It’s a bumpy ride but it’s worth it!
Together they’ve succeeded in gaining over five million podcast downloads since they launched in 2018, and have an engaged community of over 400,000+ followers and growing. You can listen to the Marriage and Martinis on all the podcast platforms including: Apple Podcasts and Spotify as well on social media: Instagram, Facebook, and Linkedin