Of coming together as a couple and intentionally showing up as your best selves when faced with a very difficult decision that is completely out of your control.
Congratulations, and many thanks to Alex and Veronica Reinhart for sharing their story. 💝 Be sure to click the link or video below to watch their story.
Did you have a crazy wedding story to share? Do share…
Lisa hopes to share life’s stories through the ever-changing platform she founded, called The Evolving Nest. She writes and shares insights about her own triumphs and struggles during her 30-year marriage to her husband and best friend. Together they have 3 growing children, two of which live 1,500 miles away most of the year, and an adult son with autism who has the run of the upstairs to himself. Lisa also contributes to Her View From Home, various podcasts, and of course, her own website, The Evolving Nest.
In this too-big, too-empty house that was way too small for so many years
Years that seemed like they may never end and yet went by too quickly- and without our permission
If only we could rewind
So many years of schedules and sports and tasks and homework and projects and tests and assignments
Of early mornings and late evenings and toys and smelly athletic equipment all over the place
And now- what?
Where’s the pitter patter, the banging and crashing and yelling and screaming and whining/complaining and hugging and cuddling (so much cuddling) and good morning/goodnight kisses
and laughing and laughing and laughing
The calls to “Bring me this,” “Can you pick me up?” “Where are you?” “ Have you seen my…?” “This is due tomorrow” and “I’m HUNGRY!” are no more
The busy practice schedules and game lineups by which we set our calendar are missing, and the days and nights, and weekends are now wide open: fluid
EMPTY
There is no frantic pace nor time to be home or wake up early or drop everything to take or pick up
No hurried trips to the store for this or that and no creative menus to prepare and to watch be enthusiastically devoured
Gone are the excited bursts through the door announcing victories or accomplishments or team news or funny “Guess what happened today” or “Can you believe…” or “Promise you won’t get mad” or talks about heartbreaks or observations or big plans and dreams
Now there is SILENCE
The messy rooms are all cleared out, just spaces where echoes of childhood remain
There are no more shoes and fishing gear and book-bags and sports stuff on the porch (which would normally be a good thing)—except, sadly, there is no prospect nor anticipation for them to return
And so here we are Trying not to look back Not sure where the hell we are supposed to look
As we try to navigate, define or redefine this life that has wrapped and captivated and occupied and made us who we’ve been for so long
But not nearly long enough
There is accomplishment and freedom, pride and relief
But the “Big, Wide Open” is terrifying
Like coming up for air only to find that you long to dive back down deep and stay there
So now we wait And take it all in And take a deep breath And a million more
In this too-big, too-empty house where the silence is deafening. By Dr. Mary Jo Almeida-Shore
Dr. Mary Jo Almeida-Shore is a writer, editor, and mother of two grown boys. Dr. Almeida-Shore is a founding editor of the Miamisocialholic and has been a contributor to Us Weekly, Miami Community News, the Miami Sun Post, The Miami Herald’s Miami.com, Time magazine publications, NBC Universal, Haute Living magazine, and many more. Dr. Shore earned her Doctorate degree from Florida International University in Curriculum and Instruction. In addition to her journalistic endeavors, she has served as an educator for the Miami-Dade County Public School System: five years as a teacher and fifteen as a vice principal.
I had been riding high from the holidays with everyone home and the excitement of following our big kids around the country as we watched my daughter’s college team win game after game—until they didn’t. They made it all the way to the National Championship, but it was another team’s day to win it all.
Fiesta Bowl 2022
Georgia deserves a big congratulations, but this isn’t about football.
This is about feeling stuck with no apparent good reason why. When you’re muddling in the muck, but you can’t quite put your finger on the cause. When you don’t even recall how it started.
When you’re feeling unmotivated and lethargic, and you know you “should” snap out of it, but you can’t see a way out.
𝙃𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙛𝙚𝙡𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙬𝙖𝙮?
When it’s dark and it’s cold outside—day after day after day.
So you try to do all-the-things: (𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘶𝘱𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘶𝘴 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳.) ▪️Keep a daily journal of everything we are grateful for ▪️Stick to a routine ▪️Get outside in the sunshine…(if we can find it.) ▪️Eat healthier ▪️Exercise for at least 20 minutes a day 𝘼𝙣𝙙 𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙡𝙡, 𝙣𝙤𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜. 𝘼𝙣𝙮𝙤𝙣𝙚?
A few days ago, I created a post that read, “A beautiful day begins with a beautiful mindset,” but I couldn’t post it—I didn’t have it in me. Adding to the toxic positivity already splashed across social media felt fraudulent.
Last night I told myself I was done feeling this way. I was going to wake up with a more positive outlook, and poof…the fog lifted.
𝙒𝙚𝙡𝙡, 𝙣𝙤, 𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙚𝙭𝙖𝙘𝙩𝙡𝙮…
I do feel better today, and I have been thinking about why. The obvious is that two days ago, I traded the dark, rainy days of the Pacific Northwest for the sunshine of the Sonoran desert in Arizona. But after much consideration this morning, I think there is a more compelling reason.
As a recovering “avoider” and a lifelong “stuffer,” —sometimes it’s still hard to share with anyone, let alone my husband when I am not feeling so great, especially after he planned this little getaway to the sun for us.
𝙄 𝙙𝙞𝙙 𝙨𝙝𝙖𝙧𝙚𝙙 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙝𝙚 𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙣𝙚𝙙.
And somewhere in the “I don’t know why I am feeling this way conversation,” I was able to unlock the floodgates.
Saguaro Cacti
My angst spilled into the dry river bed, which hugged our hiking trail as we wound through the saguaro cacti and the prickly pears. I left it in the dust, both literally and figuratively.
𝙄 𝙛𝙚𝙡𝙩 𝙝𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙙. 𝙄 𝙛𝙚𝙡𝙩 𝙨𝙚𝙚𝙣. 𝙄 𝙛𝙚𝙡𝙩 𝙫𝙖𝙡𝙞𝙙𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙙.
And today, as I sipped coffee as the sun rose over the Sonoran foothills, I felt more at ease. I realize all my challenges can’t be washed away in a day, but I sure felt lighter as I watched the sun spread its vitamin D across the valley.
If you’re feeling this way, I encourage you to reach out and ‘𝙥𝙝𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙖 𝙛𝙧𝙞𝙚𝙣𝙙.’ Sometimes just knowing we aren’t alone makes all the difference.
Lisa hopes to share life’s stories through the ever-changing platform she founded, called The Evolving Nest. She writes and shares insights about her own triumphs and struggles during her 30-year marriage to her husband and best friend. Together they have 3 growing children, two of which live 1,500 miles away most of the year, and an adult son with autism who has the run of the upstairs to himself. Lisa also contributes to Her View From Home, various podcasts, and of course, her own website, The Evolving Nest.
1. Immediately have the hard talks. They normally do not take long. Do not try to “win.”
2. Find a good couples counselor and use them when you are having trouble cleaning out a wound.
3. Frequent, simple touches.
Traveling around Denmark
4. Travel in adventuresome ways to test yourselves as a team and rely on your respective strengths as individuals.
5. Foster and encourage each other’s passions, even though those passions take time and money from the family as a whole.
6. Do not let the love, care, and time children take trump the importance of the relationship.
7. There is something to the notion that people fall into one of five categories that appreciate: words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, gifts, and acts of service. Learn which one or two your partner especially appreciates, and take them seriously.
8. You have to value the institution of a committed relationship in general. What it means and offers in your 30’s, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s, 70’, and 80’s. If you don’t fundamentally value the institution of the committed relationship, do some deep work on trying to figure out why. That work could be therapeutic, academic, spiritual, philosophical, or some other approach.
Final thought. I heard a very educated woman I respect very much say as she reflected on her wonderful 60-year marriage, “𝙈𝙮 𝙝𝙪𝙨𝙗𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙄 𝙗𝙤𝙩𝙝 𝙛𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙤𝙛 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙖 𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙥𝙡𝙚 𝙤𝙛 𝙩𝙞𝙢𝙚𝙨 𝙙𝙪𝙧𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙢𝙖𝙧𝙧𝙞𝙖𝙜𝙚 𝙗𝙪𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙣𝙠𝙛𝙪𝙡𝙡𝙮 𝙣𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙖𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙨𝙖𝙢𝙚 𝙩𝙞𝙢𝙚.” This is a quote by author and columnist Carolyn Kortge, who wrote weekly for the Registered- Guard Newspaper in Eugene, Oregon—Food for thought. By Matt Longtin of Matthew D. Longtin, LLC
Matt Longtin of Matthew D. Longtin, LLC has been a family law attorney for 25 years in Eugene, Oregon, and has been married to Sandie, his partner in love, life and adventure, for over 27 years. The Evolving Nest recently had the pleasure of talking with Matt and his lovely wife about why, in his experience, he feels relationships break down. It is a topic he has personally spent a lot of time thinking about, and we are honored that he willingly shares his wisdom with all of us. -Matt Longtin can be reached at https://www.longtinlaw.com/
We’ve got to follow our Big Kids’ leads, Midlifers.
I mean not when they’re Little and don’t want to eat their vegetables or brush their teeth and when they want to be a dinosaur when they grow up.
And not when they’re Big and want to eat a whole bag of Cheetos and when they want to be an influencer and still not brush their teeth, either.
I mean when they outgrow the cute little curls when they’re Little and the beautiful braids when they’re Big because they’re growing into exactly who they are meant to be.
Gulp.
Photo By Canva
When they tell you they don’t want to go to college.
And then absolutely thrive at work.
When they tell you that they want BANGS in their life.
And despite your warnings, they look like a movie star.
When they tell you their passion is fill-in-the-blank.
And when it’s most definitely not yours.
Big gulp.
Friends, we’ve got to follow our Big Kids’ leads. Let them step into their own lives within the safety of our own.
And sometimes – as long as they’re safe and healthy – shut our flapping lips and open our ear holes wide.
Story and Photo by Whitney Westbrook
Very few things are permanent (not even bangs), but I know I want the relationship I share with my Big Kids to be a lasting thing.
So my door is open wide to my Big Kid, whose passion I’m learning to love, and to the Big Kid who cut her own bangs, and I even made a big deal for the appointment we made where she chopped off TEN full inches of that glorious hair.
As weird as it sometimes is with Big Kids and all the Big Feelings that come with the territory, I really do believe our Big Kids are growing into exactly who they are meant to be.
And I know I sure plan to be on board to enjoy the ride.
Happy gulp. —By Whitney Westbrook, So Very Whitney
Whitney Westbrook writes about navigating midlife, mostly with grace. Because midlife is relentless and irreverent, and because we should all talk about it out loud more. Follow her for more misadventures and insights on all things midlife. https://www.facebook.com/SoVeryWhitney/
How many years have I set New Year’s Resolutions only to start berating myself a few weeks later for my lack of follow-through?
Sadly, too many years to count.
So a couple of years ago, I decided there had to be a better way. I started channeling “my inner-Dr. Phil” and asking myself, “𝙃𝙤𝙬’𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙮𝙖?”
Well, year after year, New Year’s Resolutions have not worked for me—zero, nada, end of story.
Apparently, I’m not alone.
According to one study, only 9% of those who set New Year’s Resolutions successfully keep them for a full year.
With those odds, it’s crazy that millions of us keep making them—let alone consider the fact that the majority quit within the first month.
𝗦𝗼. 𝗪𝗵𝘆. 𝗗𝗼. 𝗪𝗲. 𝗦𝗲𝘁. 𝗧𝗵𝗲𝗺?
Hope, 𝙄 𝙜𝙪𝙚𝙨𝙨??
Thank goodness there is always hope, as it is a promise of better times ahead. Unfortunately, hope alone won’t get us where we want to go.
So what does work?
Well, of course, it’s different for everyone, but here are 10 intentions that have been working for me, so I plan to carry them into next year.
Optimistic about the year to come
1) Grace—Giving myself grace with the understanding that we are all on a journey, and at 50-something, some things are going to take time to unravel.
2) Presence—Making a daily intention to remain connected and to be present with my spouse, away-from-home kids, and the most important people in my life.
3) Authenticity—To stop playing small. We are all unique and have something special to offer this world. It is a gift from our creator to find out what it is and how it might serve others.
3) Permission—Continuing to give myself permission to focus on my physical, mental and spiritual well-being. If you’re like me and you haven’t been doing this—it’s time to put yourself on the list.
4) Consistency—this was my word for 2022. I put it as a weekly reminder on my calendar, encouraging me to keep going with what was serving me and let go of what was not. It has served me well; I plan to keep it for 2023.
5) Failure is not a 4-letter word—I have always learned more from what hasn’t worked for me than what has. So, now I welcome these sometimes painful lessons because they’re like a compass pointing me toward a better, more well-suited path.
6) Lifelong learning—Embracing the idea that it’s okay not to know how to do something…YET.
7) Listening to myself—Honoring my needs and giving myself permission to rest, go on an adventure, and simply be more in tune with what I need in the moment.
9) Awareness—Being keenly aware of the positive and negative messages I tell myself. Can we be done with negative self-talk once and for all? It has never served anyone. If this speaks to you, I pray you will leave behind all the negative messages you’ve been telling yourself.
10) Remember to have fun—Let’s do more things that bring joy to our lives and find reasons to laugh until our faces hurt. 𝘽𝙚𝙬𝙖𝙧𝙚: Joy is infectious and spreads easily—no mask required!
Lisa hopes to share life’s stories through the ever-changing platform she founded, called The Evolving Nest. She writes and shares insights about her own triumphs and struggles during her 30-year marriage to her husband and best friend. Together they have 3 growing children, two of which live 1,500 miles away most of the year, and an adult son with autism who has the run of the upstairs to himself. Lisa also contributes to Her View From Home, various podcasts, and of course, her own website, The Evolving Nest.
I was sitting at a Starbucks, coffee in hand, putting off some work for a few indulgent minutes on Facebook. I was robotically scrolling, only partially engaged with the usual mix of animal videos, self-help quotes, and messages from friends.
That’s when it happened to me.
That’s when this photo happened to me.
I froze, my scrolling index finger mid-air. I was riveted. I could not stop looking. I felt like I had found something of importance. I looked at it and felt… Awestruck.
Photo Credit: Annie Leibovitz
Not because of her beauty or fame but because I didn’t realize until I saw this photo that this is what womanhood can look like.
Real, authentic, vibrant, and strong. Bad Ass. Commanding. Awesome. And wrinkled.
And something in me cracked open a little.
I am navigating the changes that come with age. I have gone through 4 different sizes in the last few years as my body decides what kind of metabolism it would like to have today. There are the reading glasses that I resisted for a year, the lessening of stamina (staying up past 1 a.m. requires a day off to recover), and the new wardrobe that seems to have gravitated to tunics and flowing shirts to hide the belly fat and rounded hips that have appeared. I try and hold all these changes with grace and dignity, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to having sat down on the little bench in the Nordstom’s change room and crying with dismay at a body that I can’t seem to anticipate or understand.
I don’t mean to paint an entirely bleak picture. There are great things that come with age, too, like no longer seeking “permission” to be the person I really am, giving up the need for people-pleasing, having enough independence of spirit to leave the house without makeup or shaved legs, and knowing, exactly, how I like to spend my time. I am eternally grateful for those gifts and the ease that they bring. So it’s not so much that I am resisting the changes that come with age; I get that with the sagging bits comes the reward of newfound wisdom. It’s more that aging seems to have landed me in uncharted territory. I don’t quite know how I am supposed to be in it.
I am perplexed. I have achieved so much and live an extraordinary, expansive life. I have a delightful circle of loved ones. I have a remarkable career. I do the things I love; dance, travel, read, and theatre. I cultivate relationships that charm me. I eat glorious meals that I delight in cooking. But there is unrest in me and, perhaps, a little sadness. A part of me struggles with a loss of vibrancy, a giving up on the coltish-legged creature that once seemed fearless. I have a longing for the permission that I used to give myself to be glorious.
I used to enjoy the attention I got for my youthful rendition of beauty. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t anything particularly noteworthy, just enough to fit the checklist that someone, somewhere, decided was the definition of who I should be; thin, blonde, nicely shaped, long-legged, exuberant, friendly, and full of possibility. I excelled in my profession, got invited to the big meetings, was offered top tables in restaurants, and skipped the lines. I traveled, bought a house, and stood as a vibrant example of thirty-something femininity. I was used to the attention that my confidence gave me. The world was mine to conquer, to delight, to engage. Yes, that confidence came at a price. I bristled at and occasionally faltered under the demands of perfection and got lost in the dark world where self-worth equates to body image, but I got noticed. I was one of those who had the right to be vibrant and boldly stride into whatever lay ahead. No matter what, I could count on being seen. At the interview, at the audition, on the first date. Then suddenly, it seemed almost overnight, I was unseen.
Not rejected, just unseen.
I am no longer in the world of 30-something-vibrant-flat-stomached-world-achievers (heck, I am now striding through the world of 50-something), and suddenly I do not register in people’s awareness as I walk by. I am no longer the sassy upstart that people used to see when they looked at me.
And that’s the problem. I am unsure of who I am at this age. I can’t find the checklist for a powerful, vibrant, sexy woman of 50+. I’m standing here with the old checklist, which is not working. I don’t want to look like the botox version of Barbie, but I also don’t want the diffuse, shrinking energy of a woman who is no longer in command of her vitality.
But where is it to be found? Where are the examples of women who wear their years, experience, and glorious ways of being with pride? Women who still exude vibrant possibilities. Women who have created a whole new phase of being that lies between Nymph and Crone. Women who leave you enchanted, wondering, longing, and are over the age of 50?
When I saw this picture of Helen Mirren, I became curious. I stopped and looked. I mean, I really looked. And then I became envious. Can you believe it??? Envious! The last time I felt jealous of anyone older than me, I was sixteen and wishing I could be a very grown-up twenty-one. But look at her – the command of her space, the energy that just leaps out at you, the defiance in her tattoo, and her exposed cleavage that just takes the whole notion of being matronly and flips it the bird.
Oh, the stories that she has to tell.
Oh, what I would do to pour her a glass of wine (or better yet, a whiskey) and get down to a long talk.
It’s not that I want to be her. It’s that in seeing her, I realize that I don’t have a vision, a mentor, or a knowing of who I want to be. I instantly loved this photo; strangely enough, I think I fell in love with myself when I looked at it. The old choices society wants to offer me just don’t cut it. The blessing of age is that I can see that they never did. It’s high time that I decide how this next decade or two (or four) will look and feel. I’m Re-Imagining myself, finding the new markers for MY new definition of this Self. I’m erasing the page and creating space to be the kind of woman that I would envy.
Tania Carriere, BA, MPA, PCC
If someone asks me about a new sizzle in my responses, the reappearance of my coltish legs from under the tunics, the haircut, and the sultry attitude, I’ll just respond…
Tania Carriere combines life coaching, leadership, wellness, and travel to help you be your best self through her retreat and consulting business, Advivum Journeys
She shares her experiences, insights, and inspirations around leadership, communication, change, purpose, and vision. Tania’s impactful keynote and facilitated sessions draw her audiences into reflection, self-awareness, and intention. You can read more by Tania on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Instagram
Recently, I realized I’ve done a lot of traveling with my young adult children. However, I’m not referring to family vacations or even the multiple trips back and forth to their current homes. The traveling I am invited to occurs via phone calls initiated by my big kids as they go about errands and work on homework.
Sometimes, I go to Target and virtually keep them company as they shop for items. Once in a while, I accompany them on a drive-through line to their favorite fast food restaurant.
Other times, I walk with them back from class to the dorm. There is no agenda outside of simply connecting and listening. And then, there are moments when I am put on speaker mode, and I sit in silence while homework is worked on. The reason? To simply sit in their presence.
These moments could easily be perceived as inconvenient and mundane. Truthfully, the calls sometimes interrupt my agenda. However, it is a blessing when your big kid initiates the connection. It is something I never want to take for granted.
I wish we could have done more traveling together on vacations when my kids were young. Yet, traveling together and building bonding moments can look like a lot of things. I am learning to be thankful for all of them.
Stephanie J. Thompson is an ordained pastor, speaker, writer, and mental health advocate. She is a member of the Redbud Writers’ Guild, and her pieces have appeared on various sites, including The Redbud Post, Her View From Home, The Mighty, and Perennial Gen. Stephanie resides in the south suburbs of Chicago with her husband and three young adult children. A few of her favorite things include beaches, historical fiction, and iced coffee. When all three line up, she is in her happy place.
With school starting up again, I want to let you in on a little secret…
I know, I know… middle school parents typically don’t get a lot of attention. You are certainly not newbies, and at least one of your offspring is not yet on their way to high school either.
So, why you?
I am writing to you because it’s time to let you in on a phenomenon that will begin happening six short years from now.
How do I know? Because without fail, it happens every year.
No one wants to talk about it, but I guarantee that one day, you will hear the whispers.
It sneaks up on unsuspecting parents, sometimes seemingly without warning.
You see, sadly, six years from now, soon after these hormone-crazed 7th graders graduate high school, you will begin to hear that “so and so” is getting divorced.
You would never guess by all the happy, smiling family pictures blanketing social media at graduation each spring. It is like a secret—hidden in plain sight.
So why am I letting parents of 7th graders in on this sad reality?
Because multiple studies have found that “couples typically allow problems and resentment to build up for6 years before seeking help and beginning to work on resolving their differences and improving their relationship.”
Some of you have told me how “you tried everything.” Especially when addiction, abuse, and adultery wreaked havoc on your family for years.
You and your kids invested valuable resources and all your emotional energy into helping your spouse with their addictions to no avail. I feel for the families that did not get the results they worked and prayed so hard for.
But there’s another group of you out there…the ones like me who never think it will be “us” getting divorced. The ones who are so busy living parallel lives as wonderful parents but are not so great at being lovers. It is to you that I hope this message serves as a wake-up call.
These “waited till the kids are out of the house divorces” pain me beyond measure because I know if my husband and I had not sought help twenty years ago for our own marriage, it could have easily been us.
If any of this resonates with you, I encourage you to find ways to reconnect with your spouse now. Do not wait until the kids are out of the house to “deal with this.” I can assure you that it’s not easy to face challenges as a couple, but it will definitely not get any easier if you wait.
Get the help you know you need before it’s you telling a friend, “I am just done,” as one woman recently wrote to me. “I was tired of being lonely in a loveless marriage.”
The Gottman Institute, a renowned relationship think tank, notes that “timing is an essential element in whether marriage counseling works. Unfortunately, most couples wait too long before reaching out for help.”
Today, you and your spouse have six years before your 7th grader graduates from high school. There is still plenty of time to change the trajectory of your marriage. You may not know how—you may not even be sure your spouse will be on board—but you do have the added benefit of time and, possibly even more important, “awareness” on your side as well.
If your youngest is in high school or even a senior, I assure you there is example after example of couples who have done the hard work, and their marriages are stronger today because of it. It is only too late if one of you decides it is.
Why do we think we should have all this relationship stuff figured out?
How many of us witnessed empathic and effective communication between couples growing up? Most likely, not many.
Some of you may have had the added blessing of being raised by parents who seemed to really like each other. Regardless, the chance that they openly discussed their issues and modeled how they successfully resolved them would have been extraordinary. This is not intended to blame, but it does begin to explain each generation’s lack of problem-solving abilities.
So if any of this resonates with you, where do you start?
Based on experience, I recommend starting with a “well-timed conversation.” In the case of my own marriage, I give 100% credit to my husband for bringing up the initial discussion almost twenty years ago. Although we both now agree his tone was a bit off—we can even laugh about it—but his message was painfully clear. Something needed to change, and we could no longer figure it out on our own.
There is never a perfect time to have a difficult conversation, but here are some things to consider:
1. Timing, Tone & Intention are everything:
Find a time when emotions are not running high, and neither of you is stressed out.
Use the tone you would be most open to when receiving this type of information. Your tone will significantly affect how well your message is received.
Check your intentions. If your desire is to find ways for you both to improve your relationship, then you are off to a great start.
2. Work together with a licensed marriage/relationship counselor.
If your partner doesn’t want to go, you go first. The therapist should be able to help you understand why you each react the way you do and help resolve conflicts.
I realize it is hard to find one; keep trying. I know it’s expensive but getting divorced is much, much more. If you are buying a coffee drink a day—STOP—and most likely, you can divert that expense toward counseling.
Ideally, you would each have an individual counselor to work with as well.
If the first counselor isn’t a good fit, try another. It can take a while to find a good match—we’ve had at least five over the years. *Remember, we are all individuals, and none of us absorb information or grow at the same rate—have lots of patience.
3. Three books to consider:
How We Love—Book & Workbook— by Milan & Kay Yerkovich. If you are tired of arguing with your spouse over the same old issues, this one is for you. https://howwelove.com/
The Seven Principles of Making a Marriage Work by John Gottman, Ph.D., is very comprehensive. I highly recommend going through this as a couple or with a group. https://www.gottman.com/
The 80/80 Marriage by Nate and Kaley Klemp—This book offers a new, refreshing way to embrace your relationship. It is the “lightest” read of the three. https://www.8080marriage.com/
4. Three Podcasts to consider:
Search podcasts with “Esther Perel”: She is a Belgian-born licensed therapist with a wealth of knowledge on preserving relationships
Small Things Often: The Gottman Institute offers relationship tips in 5-minutes or less. Also, search podcasts with “John Gottman.”
Tied for 3rd Place: Sexy Marriage Radio, The Naked Marriage, One Extraordinary Marriage, and The Stronger Marriage Podcast.
These recommendations come from my personal experience from my 30-year marriage to my best friend and are intended for educational purposes only. Please do not hesitate to reach out at lisa@evolvingnestwithlisa.com if you have any questions on how my husband and I approached a particular challenge.
My sincere hope for you is to enjoy more friendship, love, and intimacy with your most important person. Love, Lisa
Lisa hopes to share life’s stories through the ever-changing platform she founded, called The Evolving Nest. She writes and shares insights about her own triumphs and struggles during her 30-year marriage to her husband and best friend. Together they have 3 growing children, two of which live 1,500 miles away most of the year, and an adult son with autism who has the run of the upstairs to himself. Lisa also contributes to Her View From Home, various podcasts, and of course, her own website, The Evolving Nest.
Ali Flynn Ali lives in New York with her four teenage daughters and husband. She is excited to share with you the joys and hardships of motherhood with an open heart, laughter, and some tears. Ali is a monthly guest contributor for Westchester County Moms and has been seen on Filter Free Parents, Grown and Flown, Today Parents, Love What Matters, and Her View From Home. You can also find her at hang.in.there.mama with Ali Flynn on both Facebook and Instagram where she keeps motherhood real.
