I had been riding high from the holidays with everyone home and the excitement of following our big kids around the country as we watched my daughter’s college team win game after gameโuntil they didn’t. They made it all the way to the National Championship, but it was another team’s day to win it all.
Fiesta Bowl 2022
Georgia deserves a big congratulations, but this isn’t about football.
This is about feeling stuck with no apparent good reason why. When you’re muddling in the muck, but you can’t quite put your finger on the cause. When you don’t even recall how it started.
When you’re feeling unmotivated and lethargic, and you know you “should” snap out of it, but you can’t see a way out.
When it’s dark and it’s cold outsideโday after day after day.
So you try to do all-the-things: (๐๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ข๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ด๐ถ๐ฑ๐ฑ๐ฐ๐ด๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ฎ๐ข๐ฌ๐ฆ ๐ถ๐ด ๐ง๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ญ ๐ฃ๐ฆ๐ต๐ต๐ฆ๐ณ.) โช๏ธKeep a daily journal of everything we are grateful for โช๏ธStick to a routine โช๏ธGet outside in the sunshine…(if we can find it.) โช๏ธEat healthier โช๏ธExercise for at least 20 minutes a day ๐ผ๐ฃ๐ ๐จ๐ฉ๐๐ก๐ก, ๐ฃ๐ค๐ฉ๐๐๐ฃ๐. ๐ผ๐ฃ๐ฎ๐ค๐ฃ๐?
A few days ago, I created a post that read, “A beautiful day begins with a beautiful mindset,” but I couldn’t post itโI didn’t have it in me. Adding to the toxic positivity already splashed across social media felt fraudulent.
I do feel better today, and I have been thinking about why. The obvious is that two days ago, I traded the dark, rainy days of the Pacific Northwest for the sunshine of the Sonoran desert in Arizona. But after much consideration this morning, I think there is a more compelling reason.
As a recovering “avoider” and a lifelong “stuffer,” โsometimes it’s still hard to share with anyone, let alone my husband when I am not feeling so great, especially after he planned this little getaway to the sun for us.
And somewhere in the “I don’t know why I am feeling this way conversation,” I was able to unlock the floodgates.
Saguaro Cacti
My angst spilled into the dry river bed, which hugged our hiking trail as we wound through the saguaro cacti and the prickly pears. I left it in the dust, both literally and figuratively.
And today, as I sipped coffee as the sun rose over the Sonoran foothills, I felt more at ease. I realize all my challenges can’t be washed away in a day, but I sure felt lighter as I watched the sun spread its vitamin D across the valley.
If you’re feeling this way, I encourage you to reach out and ‘๐ฅ๐๐ค๐ฃ๐ ๐ ๐๐ง๐๐๐ฃ๐.’ Sometimes just knowing we aren’t alone makes all the difference.
Lisa hopes to share life’s stories through the ever-changing platform she founded, called The Evolving Nest.ย She writes and shares insights about her own triumphs and struggles during her 30-year marriage to her husband and best friend. Together they have 3 growing children, two of which live 1,500 miles away most of the year, and an adult son with autism who has the run of the upstairs to himself. Lisa also contributes to Her View From Home, various podcasts, and of course, her own website, The Evolving Nest.
“I want you to listen, really listen to me.”โI want to be heard.
“You shouldnโt feel that way.”โI want to be validated.
“You never support me in front of your parents.”โI want to be protected.
One of the most common messages we receive at The Evolving Nest is the desire to feel validated.If you have ever felt this way, you are not alone. Validation is one of the most important tools of communication in marriage, as it allows you to support your spouse, even when you disagree.ย
A good example of validating your spouseโs feelings would be to put away your device when theyโre talking and really listen to understand what they are saying from their point-of-view.
A wife sharing with her husband about a disagreement she had with a co-worker, and if he replied, โWhat did you do to set her off?โ This would be an example of not validating his partnerโs feelings.
Our feelings are like a personal alert systemโthey aren’t right or wrong. They reflect our thoughts, experiences, and perceptions. They help us to understand how we are feeling about a conversation or an interaction with our partner. The Gottman Institute, a highly regarded licensed counseling group, points out that when our partner ignores or dismisses our feelings, “it is a form of relational trauma which, over time, harms the brain and nervous system.”
Where does this lack of empathy come from? For many of us, it’s just not in our natural wiring. And it may go way backโpossibly before our earliest tangible memory. As children, we may have also learned not to “talk back” to our elders, not to make too much noise, or not to bother anyone while they’re reading, cooking, or working on a project.ย
Maybe you watched as one parent berated the other parent or an older sibling, and the message formed loud and clear in your growing brain, “Don’t speak up, stay small, and by all meansโdon’t share your feelings.”
How would you know how to show empathy and validate others’ feelings if it was never modeled for you?
Awareness: Simply recognizing that this is an issue for you and acknowledging your willingness to work on it is the first step. Experts recommend individual and couples counseling, reading books on the topic, and working on listening to understand from your partnerโs perspective. Also, I would add, let them know you love and care about them and you do not want them to feel invalidated anymore.
The Gottman Institute recommends three steps toward healing: (but friends, this will take some time.)
Atone: Apologizing and asking for forgiveness is crucial; it is a practice that heals ourselves and othersโagain and again.
Attune: This means listening, perhaps for the very first time, and seeing the situation โthrough their eyes.โ When we are really listening for understanding, we’re able to share someone else’s story from their perspective.ย
Attachment: If your partner is there for you and has your back, you will feel secure in your attachment to them. The closeness creates a deeper bond where trust and commitment can flourish.
The Gottman Institute (and I paraphrase), recommends committing to repeatedly working to Atone, Attune and Attach on an ongoing basis. In other words:
Apologize when you are in the wrong
Listen to your partner and understand from their point-of-view
Validate your partner’s concerns; they will feel more secure.
If this story resonated with you, it’s either because you have felt “unheard” or realize you have some work to do. Friends, it’s never too late to work on your relationship skills and say you are sorry. Learning how to empathize and validate another’s feelings is probably one of the most powerful relationship skills most of us were never taught. By Lisa Reinhart-Speers
*Please note: Where a licensed expert is not credited, I share from my own experience gained from 30 years of marriage, reading loads of marriage articles and books, and working with numerous licensed marriage counselors myself over the yearsโmuch ofย which was sought pro-actively with my husband, so we could learn new skills as we hit road bumps or new phases in life, like empty-nesting. It is a never-ending process but well worth itโBy Lisa Reinhart-Speers @The Evolving Nest
Lisa hopes to share life’s stories through the ever-changing platform she founded, called The Evolving Nest.ย She writes and shares insights about her own triumphs and struggles during her 30-year marriage to her husband and best friend. Together they have 3 growing children, two of which live 1,500 miles away most of the year, and an adult son with autism who has the run of the upstairs to himself. Lisa also contributes to Her View From Home, various podcasts, and of course, her own website, The Evolving Nest.
โSheโs the puzzle I chose to solve. Far too many people are looking for an easy puzzle, youโre never going to have an easy puzzleโ – Anthony Trucks talking about his lovely wife
A few months ago I heard Anthony Trucks speaking about his marriage, divorce, and remarriage to the same “amazing woman,” and I reached out to see if he would share his story with The Evolving NestโAnthony graciously agreed.
Anthony is a devoted husband and father. He is also an author, internationally known motivational speaker and has his own business http://anthonytrucks.com, where he coaches clients to reach their full potential. In addition, he is the host of his own podcast Aww Shift, which can be found wherever you listen to podcasts.
Anthony is a former NFL player and interestingly enoughโ heโs a 3 time American Ninja Warrior, and the first NFL player to complete the very difficult obstacle course and push the ‘Red Buzzer.’
He has an amazing ability to navigate lifeโs challengesโฆ…which is so important right now. So, I encourage you to listen and look him up after our conversation.
Anthony had me at hello when he said, โI got to meet someone for the first time that Iโd known for 16 years.โ
I know you’ll enjoy this interview. Thank you for listening and feel free to pass it alongโ Lisa Speers
You will be hearing more from contributors to The Evolving Nest in the future because, “What will the world miss if you don’t share your story?” (A quote from Donald Miller)
Lisa hopes to share life’s stories through the ever-changing platform she founded, called The Evolving Nest.ย She writes and shares insights about her own triumphs and struggles during her 30-year marriage to her husband and best friend. Together they have 3 growing children, two of which live 1,500 miles away most of the year, and an adult son with autism who has the run of the upstairs to himself. Lisa also contributes to Her View From Home, various podcasts, and of course, her own website, The Evolving Nest.
After working with many women and men whoโve had affairs, I have found a common thread that runs throughout their storiesโฆthey all had a need that was not being met by their spouse, typically over a long period of time, and it felt good to finally feel fulfilled.
In my experience, maintaining intimacy, both physical or emotional, has been one of the primary needs lacking with couples, and ultimately leaves one or both partners vulnerable to an affair.
Most experts agree, intimacy is not only important, it is essential. Intimacy plays a major role in a personโs emotional connection with their partner.
So, identifying both your partner’s primary needs and your needs will help you both develop a habit of meeting each other’s needs, and that is where my 5 steps come in. They are designed to give you the opportunity to discover each other’s needs and communicate how to fulfill them.
I also recommend reading the book His needs Her needsby Dr. Willard J. Harley and The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. When either spouseโs needs go unmet, over time, it can leave that spouse venerable to the deception of infidelity.
Here is a list of suggestions you can implement to protect your marriage. They will act as a barrier between your marriage and infidelity.
5 Ways to affair-proof your marriage
Communicationโ Open and honest communication with your partner is an important step in establishing an intimate connection. I recommend setting a goal of spending at least 30 minutes every day, in uninterrupted conversation, with your spouse. Share your struggles and your victories. This will set the atmosphere for intimacy and create a sense of โIโm valuedโ and you matter to each other.
2. Keep the intimate details of your marriage personal- Don’t confide in the opposite sex about personal struggles in the marriage or even your life in general. This part of your heart should be shared with only your spouse. This will foster friendship, intimacy, and trust.
3. Recognize when you’re starting to have negative thoughts- Don’t let negative self talk about your spouse ruin how you feel about them. Realize he or she isnโt perfect, and mistakes will be made. Allow room for error, and offer mercy and grace when your feelings get hurt. Don’t hold unforgiveness against themโhave tools and resources in place to move forward quickly.
4. Date nightโ Itโs important to have time for just the two of you. Try to plan a date night at least twice a month and use this time to reconnect with each other.
5. Keep watchโ Keep watch over your heart. If at any time you feel like you are drawn to someone, then ask yourself what you are missing at home? If youโre feeling you have needs that are no longer being met by your spouse, please talk to your spouse about whatโs missing in your relationship. Sometimes couples need a marriage therapist to facilitate this. Do not hesitate to find a licensed marriage therapist in your area.
Infidelity is an enemy of marriage, and its only goal is to destroy. It not only harms the marriage but the individuals as well. The good news is that it does not have to wreak havoc in a couple’s life foreverโmy husband and I are living proof that couples can heal from infidelity.
There is a process of healing, and for committed couples, it works and brings them freedom from the consequences of infidelity.
To find more about healing from infidelity, go to https://womenwithscarsaffairrecovery.com and connect with Stacey Chenevert
*Note to Facebook Users: PLEASE return to FB and click “Like,” which lets the author know how much you appreciated their story. **If youโre NOT connected to Facebook and you would like to comment, please do so below the Authorโs Bio section.
*Information contained in this article is for educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for treatment or consultation with a mental health professional. Please note, The Evolving Nest and Women with Scars Affair Recover do not have an affiliate marketing relationship.
My name is Stacey Chenevert and I’m a relationship coach specializing in Affair Recovery. ย I’m also the founder of Women with Scars Affair Recovery. https://womenwithscarsaffairrecovery.com Eight years ago I had an affair and it nearly destroyed my life and my marriage. So trust me when I say I know what it is like to suffer in silence, wondering if you’ll ever be able to get over the affair and save your marriage. Looking back now, I can say that the journey to recovery was hard but it was worth the fight. My marriageย is fully healed and we thank God for the wisdom he gave us. Now my heart and my mission are to help other women who’ve had an affair find healing for themselves and their marriages without the fear of judgment, as they learn to live beyond the affair.
No one wakes up one day and thinks, “Iโm going to have an affair today.”- Stacey Chenevert
An affair doesnโt just happenโฆ
Have you ever wondered how an affair starts? In my opinion, thereโs such a misconception as to how affairs begin. Most people Iโve talked to believe its when two people meet, flirt, and then bam theyโre having sex. However, by the time an affair is usually discovered, the couple has been involved for quite a while.
In reality, an affair starts long before the affair partners ever meetโthe affair actually starts taking hold in the husband or wifeโs thoughts as soon as emptiness and hopelessness set in, and the vulnerable spouse begins to believe their marriage will not change. In case you are wondering how I know how an affair starts, well the truth isโฆIโve had an affair.
I was young when I married my first husband, my high school sweetheart. Our relationship was definitely not the fairy-tale I had imagined. We were married seven years, and during those years my husband had multiple one-night stands and became emotionally abusive. Ultimately, I became very angry and vindictive towards him.
Even so, I never thought I could be the one to have an affairโฆ
My first husband and I had a particular couple we often socialized with, and the husband happened to be my husband’s best friend. One day, my husbandโs friend expressed an interest in me and we began โdiscreetly and innocentlyโ flirting back and forth over a number of years.
Regrettably, as my marriage began to deteriorate, I started confiding in my husband’s friend about what was going wrong in my marriage. One day, when we were alone, things crossed the line. Two years later, we divorced our spouses and married each other.
It’s not something I’m proud of, but at the time I was angry and hurt by my first husband’s unfaithfulness. I thought he deserved what he got for how he treated me all of those years. I didn’t realize at the timeโno one deserves to be cheated onโeven if theyโre unfaithful themselves and not treating their spouse with respect. It was my response to my husband’s behavior that caused me to have an affair. I know now, I had a choice!
In the beginning, my new marriage was fun and exciting. We spent lots of time together, just talking and enjoying each otherโs company. But as the years went by, and we added a couple of kids to the mix, and the stresses of everyday life intervenedโour marriage began to take a back seat.
Then, about eight years ago, when my second husband and I had been married for nearly 10 years, we hit a rough patch in our relationship. I was busy raising kids and my husband worked hard to provide for us, but in the process, he became a workaholic and filled his free-time with hobbies on his own.
Over time, I felt lonely and became angry with my husband for distancing himself from me. The closeness and friendship we once shared appeared over as we began living like roommates. By the time my affair partner entered my life, I was a shell of the person I was when we married, and desperate for attention.
Infidelity is not something you go looking for…its something you allow your thoughts to lead, and your actions to follow.
My affair partner was in the medical profession and had been caring for my children for several years before the affair started. It wasn’t until I began seeing him for my own dental needs that things between us became flirtatious. Never once did I think we would end up having an affair. I was just having fun, and it felt good to be noticed. He was also going through a similar situation, so as our discussions became more intimate, we bonded over our failed marriages.
The Lie: โWeโre just friendsโฆโ
Our friendship flourished, and it didn’t take long for us to seek a relationship beyond the phone. The more time we spent together, the closer we became. The affair became like a drug. I needed to feel wanted, and he needed to feel appreciated.
Both our needs were being met for the first time in a long time.
My affair partner spent a lot of time talking to me and listening to my heartโhe was very interested in ‘who I was.’ He made me feel very honored and accepted. I needed this quality time and validation from my husband, and he wasn’t aware I even needed this to feel fulfilled.
In contrast, I grew farther away from my husband and gave up on ever being able to have with my husband again, what I had with my affair partner. I convinced myself that I never really loved my husband, and we shouldn’t have married.
I would tell myself it was “fine”; our marriage was dead, and we didn’t have anything in common anymore. I reduced our love to a feeling, and since I no longer โfelt in love’ with my husband, it validated my belief that “it was time to move on.”
Affairs start in your headโlong before you end up in bedโฆ
I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt my affair started in my thoughts long before my affair partner showed up. I felt neglected by my husband, and I began withdrawing from him about a year before the affair started. Looking back now, I see how hard my heart had become toward him.
Did I mention my husband and I are Christians? Well, we are, and when the affair started, we had just finished hosting a bible study in our home. To say the guilt and shame were beyond measure would be an understatement. I was so in love with my affair partnerโI didn’t care anymore about right from wrong, I just never wanted to feel empty again.
I learned first-hand having the title of ‘Christian’ will not give you the power to not have an affair. I looked like I was doing all the โright thingsโ on the outside, but my heart was still leading me down a dark path.
Eventually, change for me would only come from my relationship with the Lord. I know, I digress, but I wanted to bring up this point in case there are some Christians who find themselves where I wasโfeeling overwhelmed with guilt and shame. You are not alone, and there is hope for healing and recovery.
It’s important to noteโan affair can happen at any time or anywhereโit is never the physical location you are in that causes the affair to start. What makes you vulnerable is where your heart is, how empty you are feeling, or how unhappy you are in your marriage. Affairs begin within ourselves.
We believe the lies we tell ourselvesโฆ
So over time, I began to have a negative narrative about my husband. Especially when he would hurt my feelings, make me angry, or wouldn’t listen to how I was feeling.
The narrative running through my mind would go something like this:
You donโt understand me.
You donโt spend time with me.
Why donโt you like me?
I donโt like you right now.
Iโm tired of arguing with you about this.
You never listen to me.
We donโt have anything in common anymore.
I really hate you right now.
You are such a mean person.
I believe you get the picture. But all of this negative narrative did was cause me to look at my husband negativelyโI didnโt even want to be around him. Every time he hurt me or neglected me, I would put another brick on the wall-of-anger around my heart.
It’s hard to love someone with all your heart, only to have your needs go unmet day-after-day. I was protecting myself from further pain, but I wasn’t actively seeking healthy strategies to repair my marriage.
How to recognize when your marriage is vulnerable to an affairโฆ
When intimacy decreases significantly or is eliminated in your marriage. We crave a deep connection with our spouse and intimacy fosters closeness. Intimacy enables us to bond with our partners on many levels. If intimacy takes a back seat and we begin to neglect the quality time our relationship needs to survive, we can become vulnerable to someone elseโs attention.
We begin a negative narrative about our spouse– this changes our perspective of who they are and causes us to magnify their negative qualities more than their positive attributes. So much so, we can no longer see what we loved about them.
Resentment sets in– even if they apologize, we can’t receive anything positive from them because we’ve allowed our hearts to be hardened. This leaves our hearts open to someone else.
We meet the ‘perfect-other-person’ who flirts with us and makes us feel wanted and special.
Communication breaks down in our marriage, and we start thinking about how good this ‘perfect-person’ made us feel. We even begin to avoid small talk with our spouse.
Fantasizing begins- as the flirting continues, the fantasies about what it would be like with the other person intensify. We start imagining, “what if this happened or I wonder how this would feel and what it would be like to spend time with this person?” So by fantasizing about these different scenarios, we tell our hearts (which is where our emotions sit) that we are enjoying this attention. โIt’s okayโ to prepare for an encounter.
An agreement is madeโonce the line has been crossed, whatโs done, can’t be undone. We begin to search for fulfillment from this person who is meeting our needs, and a chemical called Dopamine starts to kick in.
Dopamine is the reward chemical in our brains. It releases feel-good chemicals when we are excited about someone or something. A study was done on a brain in love, and someone addicted to a drug affects found that the chemical reaction effects the same area of our brains. You literally become addicted to your affair partner. This makes ending the affair incredibly difficult but not impossible.
Once you choose hope, anything is possibleโฆ
I believe that most people go into marriage with the core value of believing they’ll have a monogamous marriage and that they won’t cheat on each other. I had the same intention with both my marriages, so I had to question myself, “what made me cross the line of my core values?”
Was it my response to life difficulties, or neglect in my marriage? I believe it was my response to the hard times my marriage was facing, and this is the area I needed to focus on healing.
If you’re feeling discouraged by betrayal or your own thoughts, there is hope for healing your marriage. It is hard work, but when two people want to fight for their marriage and are willing to do the work required to rebuild something beautiful, then the outcome is a stronger and healthier marriage.
My husband and I worked really hard to get through the recovery process, and I can tell you it was worth every struggle and setback to be where we are today.
To find more about healing from infidelity, go to https://womenwithscarsaffairrecovery.com and connect with Stacey Chenevert
*Note to Facebook Users: PLEASE return to FB and click “Like,” which lets the author know how much you appreciated their story. **If youโre NOT connected to Facebook and you would like to comment, please do so below the Authorโs Bio section.
*Information contained in this article is for educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for treatment or consultation with a mental health professional. Please note, The Evolving Nest and Women with Scars Affair Recover do not have an affiliate marketing relationship.
My name is Stacey Chenevert and I’m a relationship coach specializing in Affair Recovery. ย I’m also the founder of Women with Scars Affair Recovery. https://womenwithscarsaffairrecovery.com Eight years ago I had an affair and it nearly destroyed my life and my marriage. So trust me when I say I know what it is like to suffer in silence, wondering if you’ll ever be able to get over the affair and save your marriage. Looking back now, I can say that the journey to recovery was hard but it was worth the fight. My marriageย is fully healed and we thank God for the wisdom he gave us. Now my heart and my mission are to help other women who’ve had an affair find healing for themselves and their marriages without the fear of judgment, as they learn to live beyond the affair.